I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
this hospital has no fireball
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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