Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize