Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
