i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
