I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
