So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
