the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
