I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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