I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
