They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
