god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
