i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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