dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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