Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize