Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
