We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he fucked my hip out of place.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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