Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he puts the penis in happiness.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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