If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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