Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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