Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
