Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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