in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
