I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
