In the future we'll all be gay
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
