dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
