didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
