i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
