For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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