walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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