Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
