when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize