i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
