So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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