Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
