We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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