I'm jealous of your bromance
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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