She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
