I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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