i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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