You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
