My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
