Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
