happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
