he wants to bone in the snuggie
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
