her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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