Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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