you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize