she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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