My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
