i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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