i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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