Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
