in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
