Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize