why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
