the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
