Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
