My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
