so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
