wrigley field is MILF paradise
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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