his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
