I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
