I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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