Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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