please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
