I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
