then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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