Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
