So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
A bitchslap is in order.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
